“I’ve had numerous conversations with women who are sincerely conflicted about how to legitimately bring their voice into relationships simply because of their gender. One woman told me she realized it was much easier for her to use her voice when she was single and working in the business world. In Christian circles, she felt all the relational lines had been redrawn to caution her against using her voice. “I felt a sense of energy when I showed up to a meeting at work where I was prepared to engage collaboratively. When I attend meetings at church, I don’t expect to contribute and often feel that it would not be my place to do so,” she said. The difference she noticed as she entered the room was predominantly internal. In one she felt integral, the other incidental.
Now, however, she feels a box had been drawn for her with four strong walls labeled, “Submission,” “Quiet,” “Gentle Spirit,” and “Authority Structure.” Sadly, she was led to question her value as a person more after she entered the church than before. When she inadvertently stepped over invisible lines by asking questions or starting conversations, she felt the message was clear that she had gone far enough..She felt often confused by the complicated, subtle messages that she had to be distant, cautious, and not engage too personally…
At church, the woman inferred from the leadership that she was to speak only when spoken to. Her attempts to conversationally engage matters of interest to her in the ministry of the church felt undervalued; often, her attempts were ignored completely. She began to realize compulsory steps were required of her in this dance, involving carefully nuancing her remarks, monitoring and measuring her tone, and speaking tentatively, in a hesitant voice so as not to appear “too strong.” One other woman told me that anytime she even asked a question, she felt church leadership viewed her as dangerous…She voiced a fear I hear often from Christian women, that of being blackballed. “I have known women who after speaking up were rarely asked to do anything again at church. Now I understand more fully why I feel more comfortable asking my husband to voice my thoughts than speaking of them myself.” Both she and her husband would agree that when he speaks, he is taken more seriously and is better received.
Strength seems to be valued when it’s an internal, unseen quality, but not so much when paired with a woman’s voice. It’s possible that being viewed as a strong woman appears to be a spiritual defect. When a woman feels compeled to hold back from revealing her essence, to withhold her voice, one must ask if the reason is fear. Is there more safety in hiding?
”
| — |
Pam Macrae
You guys would not believe how happy I was to read this. FINALLY, someone knew what I was talking about when I said I didn’t feel comfortable and accepted in the church. There are other people out there who don’t think I’m “silly”!??? It’s kind of healing to hear it’s not just me.
My aunt gave me this book, and I didn't expect to like it, but I do. It's all about how Christian women should have integrity (rather than just being quiet, social, manipulative, and sweet.
Whenever I'm in church, I feel like I'm in trouble, even if I don't say a word. I feel depressed. I feel unwanted. I followed all "the rules." Heck, who else is a 26-year-old virgin around here? But I feel like the defective, uncouth weirdo in any church setting and have since I was an adolescent.
I know mostly dudes read this blog, but if any women feel the same way...you're not alone. I wonder if dudes feel this way ever?
Also, I feel like this is less the guys' faults and more of the pressure from the "perfect" Christian moms and wives who need to make sure other women stay in line.
That's why I struggle with going to church. If I can't be authentic and make real relationships...what's the point? If I can sense that the other women are unnaturally subdued, how can I get to know them? If I leave feeling depressed, is it all on me?
Another quote from that book: Never did Christ nag, flatter, coax, patronize, or make jokes about women. He took their questions and arguments seriously, never mapping out their spheres for them. He simply had no axe to grind. He took them as he found them. Perhaps it is no wonder that the women were first at the Cradle and last at the Cross. They had never known a man like this Man- there never has been such another. (Paraphrased from Dorothy Sayers)
|
In my hometown there was a church where the men and women sat separately, did not talk to each other, and no singing was allowed. Imagine an outsider trying to feel comfortable in that setting.
ReplyDeleteI am not a woman, and therefore have a hard time appreciating your specific points. However, in general, I think I get your meaning. As a Catholic, it's very hard to go into a Protestant church and feel like I can be appreciated as a fellow Christian. When I here things like, 'When we say the Creed and get to the part about a catholic church, we want to stress that we're not talking about the Catholic church.' God forbid.
I have got to the point that I go to church now to reinforce my relationship with God. I have pretty much forfeited the idea of making any real ties to other Christians. Why? Well, every time I have tried to fellowship I tend to find that many of these people are more interested in gossip and their pecking order in the church social strata (I can't sit with THAT family!) than anything else. It's really sad, but that's my personal experience.
Maybe it's just me, but I think we need to get back to basics and realize that we are all sinners whether we are man or woman, Catholic or Protestant, etc. In the end, that ties us all together whether we like it or not.
An aside:
I once had to give a speech at a law enforcement function about the role women had played in history (It was Women's History month, I think). I started the speech with a quote from the 50's sitcom, "The Honeymooners":
Ralph: "There would be no America if it wasn't for Christopher Columbus."
Alice: "There would be no Christopher Columbus if it wasn't for his mother."
True that.
Maybe if more people like us actually stayed in church and sort of took control of the tone through pure numbers, it would be better. I don't know. It's hard to wrench any influence from the "perfect" people. The ones who can play the game.
DeleteI can't BELIEVE they say that about the creed. If I've heard that, I've never noticed it. I'll never forget the Christian substitute teacher who tried to convince me that the Catholic church was the anti-christ/beast. Even at 16, I was like, "Whatever, dude, probably not."
I realized recently that I've only gone to conservative churches. I've rarely if ever been to what my family would call a "liberal" church, like a Methodist or Presbyterian USA. I've only ever done the conservative evangelical thing. I'm starting to wonder if a liberal church would be better or just weird and wishy washy. My dad would KILL me if I went to a Pres USA church...but I like what their web sites are saying. I may try it. Is a church where judgment is lowered, but you take issue with some of the permissive theology worse than a church you can't even stand to go to?
Speaking as an evangelical Catholic (lol) I take issue with the Catholic church all of the time. Should priests be allowed to marry...uh, yes? Should we do away with ALL indulgences...uh, yes? Should Ex Cathedra go the way of the dinosaur...uh, yes? These three examples are things that I think 90% of all American Catholics believe should happen in our church, but won't because of bureaucratic resistance, tradition, and ego. It just doesn't make sense...
ReplyDeleteThe thing I never really dug about Protestants is the philosophy, "if it first you don't succeed, try another church" mentality. It's a foreign concept to me. I tried VERY hard to be accepted into the Presbyterian church, but I could never get past the "frozen chosen" thing. Sorry, but Heaven isn't an exclusive country club. That being said a more liberal church may very well be more accepting of YOU instead of YOU having to conform to THEM. I think that's the one thing that you will never see a more conservative church ever do.
The only church I could never attend is one that just makes blatantly heretical statements. A co-worker once told me she heard the local Methodist pastor state that whether or not Jesus really did rise from the dead wasn't that important. Yeah, can't go there.
Agree. Whether women can be elders, whether gay people can attend, whether you can play rock music, whether you raise your hands or stay stiff, whether hell is eternal, creationism v. evolution, age of baptism, end times interpretations....that kind of stuff I couldn't care less about. I mean, I have an opinion, but I'm not going to leave a church over it.
DeleteBut rising from the dead, grace, Jesus' divinity- that's just the basics of the gospel. I guess I'm ruling out the methodist church from the list of liberal possibilities.